Care for a Coup D'Etat?
Who should be the new governor? I have an idea.
As we enter the third month of The Wisconsin Meltdown, managed with neither earthquake nor tsunami, we are faced with a question.
If the efforts of both the Republicans and Democrats are successful, every single last politician in the state is going to be recalled. This begs the question from The Confused Middle, “WHO WILL RUN THE CHEESE SHOP?”
Our formerly friendly and productive state has five million people, all of whom desire to have their trash hauled, children educated and that ass tailgaiting us given a ticket.
But face it, Badgers. It’s abundantly clear that the current batch of Dems and Repubs have absolutely no interest governing us. Scott and The Irishmen inaugurated their reign by staging a bar-time Pearl Harbor and the Dems responded by fleeing town faster than MacArthur left Manila.
It has now become clear that these guys would rather bicker, threaten and do cable interviews than work. Which is fine if you want to get recognized, or even lucky, at the Tornado Room, but does absolutely nothing to advance the Business Of The People, which is what these slackers are being paid to do.
This has left citizens in Wisconsin stuck in a movie with no heroes.
So let me offer a simple solution: a coup d’état. It’s done all the time in banana republics and right now Wisconsin qualifies for that status.
And we can start with where it all began, with our new governor.
By all accounts Scott Walker is personally a nice guy. But between him and the Fitzies it feels like the sophomores accidentally won the student council elections.
So who should be named our new governor?
Let me be the first to nominate a man who knows our state and its people. A great communicator and seasoned leader. A man who possesses a trait unknown to Walker, Erpenbach, the Fitzies and Barca.
I’m talking of course about a sense of humor.
By now I am sure you now who I am writing about.
Yes, friends, it is my honor to nominate as governor of the great but troubled state of Wisconsin the Voice of the Brewers, Mr. Bob Uecker.
I know Bob. I have worked with Bob. And I can tell, Scott Walker, you’re no Bob Uecker. And neither were you, Jim Doyle.
First, Bob is a pro. He was a major league ball player. He understands team dynamics and how to encourage, push, disagree and win without social rupture.
Bob is a Native Son. Despite the alluring fame and fortune of “Mr. Belvidere” he chose to remain a Wisconsin boy.
And most importantly, Bob Uecker is a leader who can bring everyone together. I have seen this firsthand. Bob was the governor of the Miller Lite All-Stars. This was an elite group of athletes who were a fine team back in the ’70s and ’80s. Many were Hall of Famers. Big egos. Madden. Martin. Robinson. Nitchske. Yet Bob governed them all with aplomb.
But the finest virtue that Governor-Elect Uecker possesses, and will need, is a sense of humility. The first person to make a joke at Bob Uecker’s expense is always Bob Uecker. Though smart as they come, he is quick to keep himself in his place.
But at the same time, like any pro, Bob has no tolerance for fools. Nothing would be better for the state of Wisconsin and its people than if Ueck were to run the locker room at the Capitol.
Uecker’s kangaroo court, where legislators would be fined for code violations like whining, failing to show for work or using a hair dryer, would quickly embarrass team members into productive performances. And Ueck would be leader enough to achieve this new order without having to run to every freakin’ state and federal judge in the Midwest.
Moreover, his verdicts would never hit the headlines. They would stay in the locker room where they belong. The first rule of Uecker Club: Never publicly embarrass a fellow team member.
Bob would know how to treat the big-bonus rookies. He would teach them to respect the veterans and a game that existed before them and will exist long after they are gone. Some will claim that Ueck is too old. To that I say, What have the rookies done for you lately?
Most importantly for our state, Bob would ban both the unions and Koch brothers from the locker room. He knows the last thing a good team needs during a tough season is distraction from outsiders.
As for the most important issue, personal integrity, Bob is squeaky clean.
The only questionable donation he has ever taken came from Usinger’s Sausage, and that is a matter of public record.
So, please, all of you who live in the rational middle and are tired and embarrassed by our unending political soap opera, join me in naming Bob Uecker OUR NEW GOVERNOR!!!
It’s time to put Ueck where he belongs. Right in the front row.
Madison-based television producer John Roach writes this column monthly. Reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org.