Let Him Play Golf!
I NOTICE THIS ISSUE HAS A PIECE ON THE DREAM 18 golf holes in the Madison area. Tough assignment.
Also, it misses the point. For guys any 18 holes are a dream.
The spring mud at Bridges? Beautiful.
The frost still in the tundra at Tumbledown International? Terrific.
Cross country skiers defying the vanishing snow at Glenway as you tee up? Fore!
It matters not a bit.
It is, after all, golf.
And we are men.
I know that many women golf, but for the purposes of this piece, I would like to address the maniacal obsession that middle-aged, fleshy men have for the sport.
And most importantly, why every woman should let her man play golf anytime he wants!
First, golf is the vestigial remains of a time eons ago when men would gather together and head out across the woods, plains and sand traps to hunt and provide for their families and tribe.
Today we provide for our brood by sitting in a cubicle or having a Blackberry permanently attached to our right ear. But our primal desire to walk around aimlessly in the woods with other men still exists and calls to us in a way far more insistent than any cell phone.
This urge was, and still is, a noble and selfless act. In other words, as your husband sets out to golf, he is expressing his genetic urge to provide.
(Even if you make more than him.)
So when your man asks if he can get in eighteen before your sister’s wedding reception, it is best to thank him for providing food and shelter. An effective, extra touch is to wish him “Godspeed” with a peck and hug as he throws his clubs in the car.
An important note here … if your man does not golf, he is a poor provider and it is best to leave him.
Another reason you should let your man play golf anytime he wants is that you are giving him permission to live a longer life. And what good woman does not want a long life for her man? Golf is a healthy response to our modern, sedentary, trans fat life. For four to five hours (depending on the number of practice strokes the Pacific-Rim fivesome ahead of him takes before each shot), your man is breathing fresh air and exercising.
A good woman should think of golf as Tai’chi with equipment. Each time your man gets in and out of the cart, he stretches his hips. Placing the tee in the ground or removing the ball from the hole loosens a man’s hammies just as effectively as yoga’s Barking Toad or whatever.
So when your man wants to golf, extend his life by bidding him well. Indeed, denying him golf could be seen as a form of murder. And a good woman does not murder her man.
She knows that one must keep healthy the goose that lays the golden egg. Unless, of course, your man is unemployed, which leads to the next point.
Golf is good business.
It is a way to network and create career opportunities that will benefit the entire family.
It also allows a man to entertain clients and thus increase the profits of his business. The best way to do this, interestingly enough, is to lose money to those very clients.
When a man must golf with business associates, do not see it as recreation but work. Thank him for putting in the extra hours and remind him to stop at the ATM before the round. He will thank you. Then sit back and watch your household income soar!
Golf also keeps men out of trouble, as it replaces more destructive behavior. Like sitting in a bar for hours, drinking, smoking, talking to harlots and getting in fights.
The fact that golf is remarkably boring is a trait that should be cherished by every woman. When your man leaves for a round of golf, say a prayer of thanks that he will not engage in any such loathsome behavior until his round ends and he reaches the clubhouse.
Golf is also good for a man’s mental health.
The game requires concentration and a Zen-like control of one’s emotions. The mental discipline your man learns on the golf course will help the next time you ask him to do a household project. A man who knows golf will not throw his tools around angrily like a sand wedge slowly spinning into the rough. Oh no.
A man who has mastered the mantra of the game will wisely assess the household project you have assigned him and screw it up in a very quiet, controlled way.
The final reason a woman should let her man play golf anytime he wants is simple.
Every hour a man is on the golf course is an hour in your home where there is no belching, scratching or other crass male behaviors.
And the remote is all yours.
Madison-based television producer John Roach writes this column monthly. Comments? Questions? Write email@example.com.
|Madison Magazine - May 2007|