Worst Recipes

Recently a friend gave me a file box full of recipes that he found when he moved into a new house.  Of course, I had to have a look even though the likelihood of finding anything I’d actually make was minute.  Despite logic, we all seek serendipity if not treasure, hence the popularity of reality television like Antiques Road Show and American Pickers.  I’ve inexplicably sorted through stacks of three-by-five cards and many a spiral bound church cookbook with great expectations.  I can’t say I’ve ever unearthed anything that’s contributed to my extensive repertoire of recipes, but it was more fun than watching Paula Deen.

When I heard that there was going to be a new TV show on the Food Network called Worst Cooks in America, I eagerly begin to prepare my list of nominees only to learn I was too late.  So instead, inspired by my recent gift, I’m going to share some of the worst recipes ever.  Bon appétit!

And what region would this be from?

Italian Salad  

2 cups cold cooked macaroni

1 can pear halves, cut in half

1 cup grated raw carrot

1 cup minced canned green beans

2 tablespoons minced onion

½ teaspoon garlic salt

Kraft French dressing

Mix the first 6 ingredients with enough of the salad dressing to coat.  Garnish with pimento if desired.

Mom’s home cookin’.

Mrs. Rush H. Limbaugh Sr.’s Under the Sea Salad

2 boxes lime Jell-O

1½ cups boiling water

1½ cups ice water

1 small can crushed pineapple, drained

1 small jar pimento-stuffed olive, drained

1 small package Philadelphia cream cheese, cut into small cubes

½ cup Miracle Whip

½ cup chopped pecans

 Dissolve 1 box of Jell-O in ¾ cup boiling water and ¾ cup ice water. Add the crushed pineapple and olives, pour in a mold  and let jell.  Dissolve the second box Jell-O in ¾ cup boiling water and ¾ cup ice water.  When cool add the cream cheese and Miracle Whip.  When it’s started to jell add the pecan.  Pour the second layer over the first in the mold and chill until firm.

‘Salad’?

Snickers Apple Salad

1 small box instant vanilla pudding

1½ cups milk

1 large container of Cool Whip

4 apples, cored and diced

5 Snickers candy bars cut into bite-size pieces

 Mix the pudding with the milk according to the directions on the box.  Fold in the Cool Whip. Add the apples and candy.  Chill.

What a way to start the day…

Spamcakes

 1 can Spam, diced

1 can condensed cream of mushroom soup

½ cup milk

Pancake mix

Mix the spam, soup and milk in a saucepan and heat until warm.  Make pancakes according to package directions.  Top each pancake with some of the creamed Spam mixture.

This was a roommate’s favorite dish.

Campfire Goulash

1 can Franco-American spaghetti

1 can pork and beans

1 can Vienna sausage, drained and sliced

Mix together, heat and serve.

Celebrity recipes are always irresistible.

Paul Lynde’s Pineapple Tuna Casserole

1 onion

1 green pepper

2 stalks celery

1 can condensed mushroom soup

1 can tuna fish

½ can Chinese noodles

1 can mushrooms, drained

1 can pineapple chunks, drained

1 tablespoon margarine

Cut up onion, green pepper, celery into small pieces and microwave until tender. Put in a casserole and add soup, drained tuna, Chinese noodles, mushrooms, drained pineapple. Mix all together. Dot top with margarine. Bake covered at 350 degrees for 40 minutes. Remove cover and bake additional l0 minutes.

‘Surprise’ is always a bad omen.

Scalloped Potatoes Surprise

2 small packages frozen hash browns

1 can condensed potato soup

1 can condensed mushroom soup

1 soup can milk

1 small jar chopped pimentos

Grated cheese

 Mix all the ingredients except the cheese together and bake at 350 degrees for 1 hour.  Top with cheese and bake another 30 minutes.

Perfect for basting Spam.

Hawaiian Barbecue Sauce

2 tablespoons margarine

1 tablespoon soy sauce

1 cup Red Hawaiian Punch

1 teaspoon yellow mustard

2 tablespoons vinegar

1 teaspoon cornstarch

Mix all and simmer 8 to 10 minutes.

My mother actually made this.

Pizza Pie

1 pound ground beef, browned

1 teaspoon garlic salt

½ teaspoon salt

1 cup cracker crumbs

½ cup evaporated milk

1 tablespoon Lipton’s onion soup mix

1/3 cup ketchup

Mix all the ingredients together and put in a 9-inch pie plate. Top with:

1 can Hunt’s tomato sauce

1 small can sliced mushrooms, drained

Slices of American cheese

2 teaspoons Kraft parmesan cheese

¼ teaspoon oregano

Bake at 350 degrees for 20 to 25 minutes.

Unbelievably popular in England and Australia.

Mashed Potato Butty

 Instant mashed potatoes

Margarine

White bread

Make the mashed potatoes according to the package directions.  Spread the bread slices with margarine.  Spread the mashed potatoes over a slice of bread and sandwich with a second slice.

From our ever inventive friends at Kraft foods.

Braunschweiger Bagel Topper

4 ounces Oscar Mayer Braunschweiger

1/4 cup Miracle Whip

¼ cup Taco Bell Home Originals Thick 'N Chunky Salsa

1 teaspoon Grey Poupon Dijon Mustard

3 cinnamon-raisin bagels, halved, toasted

2 medium Gala apples, sliced

Mix braunschweiger, dressing, salsa and mustard until well blended. Spread bagel halves evenly with the braunschweiger mixture. Top with the apple slices

‘Crunch-a-tize Me Captain!’ Maybe not.

Peanut Butter Captain Crunch Cookies

 1 cup sugar

1 cup light corn syrup

1 cup peanut butter

4 cups Captain Crunch cereal

In a large heavy-bottomed sauce pan melt sugar and corn syrup. Boil for 30 seconds and add Peanut Butter, then cereal. Mix well and spoon out onto waxed paper. Let stand for several minutes to set up.

A back of the box classic.

Dump Cake

 20-ounce can crushed pineapple, undrained

21-ounce can cherry pie filling

1 box yellow cake mix

2 sticks margarine, each cut into 12 slices

¼ cup chopped nuts

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Dump pineapple into a 9 x 13-inch baking dish or pan and spread it out evenly. Using a spoon, dump globs of cherry pie filling evenly on top of the pineapple. Sprinkle the cake mix evenly over the cherry and pineapple layers. Place margarine slices evenly over cake mix. Sprinkle nuts on top. Bake for one hour.

Obviously at that time of night people will eat anything.

Midnight Mystery Pie

1 large package cream cheese, softened

½ cup Hellman’s mayonnaise

½ cup sugar

2 eggs

1 small package chocolate chips, melted

1 teaspoon vanilla

1 readymade crumb crust

 Beat together the cream cheese, mayonnaise and sugar until smooth. Beat in the eggs one at a time, then the melted chocolate and vanilla. Pour in the crust and bake in a preheated 350-degree oven for about 30 minutes.

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